Denial

One of the many stages of what they call the 5 stages of grief a person is supposed to go thru. Little do many people know it's not in any kind of order and one can stay in a stage for a short amount of time...or forever. Denial is a stage of grief which makes it so much easier to cope, but at the same time dodges every feeling you are ever supposed to have. One lesson which is hard to learn no matter how many times it slaps you in the face is you can deny or dodge for awhile but the pain always resurfaces...always. And sometimes it's in the least "convenient" way possible.
Right now I have been dodging every feeling I am supposed to have from losing my children. It just seems easier every day to act like it never happened or like I'm telling someone else's story. It is easier for me to pretend than to allow reality to present itself in my consciousness. As I'm visiting my friends I have not seen since I was a couple months pregnant I tell them about how I'm doing and how Justin is doing and it just feels like I'm telling a friend's story or a story I heard about someone else. I don't know if this is something I do on purpose or if it is something I just do without thinking. And then there are moments when I am alone driving in my car and it just hits me...I'm supposed to be in the percentage of my friends who are enjoying their children. Who get to run all over the place to chase after my toddlers. And then I remember..those toddlers I was so excited about raising and chasing all over the house are not here. And I get this empty feeling. Then I remember how to make it stop...deny it ever happened. People have said the reason why a person does this is because their body and mind can only handle so much so it ignores what is really going on in order to survive. I guess this explains it, why people deny their reality...it's the only way to survive the horrible things that happen to us.