Holy Crap...I'm "kinda" Freaking OUT!

It has been awhile since I have posted anything on here...and I KNOW I said I was going to do better.  I'm pretty sure it's been over a month, sorry. 

We are having a baby in 6 days!  Yeah, 6.  That's what I'm saying.  It's kind of a scary thought for me, but I am so ready!  Our baby boy will be delivered (pending plans go thru) on January 1, 2011 and we are so excited!  It's only a few days earlier than the original plan, but feels like it shaved a week off.  There are so many unknowns in our situation still and this makes me feel uncomfortable, but I'm ready for the answers to my questions and I'm ready to meet him.  I want to see what he looks like.  I want to see what he is going to smell like.  I want to see how he is going to act.  I want to see what characteristics of mine and which of Justin's he is going to have.  It's just so overwhelmingly exciting it's difficult to really put into words. 

This has been a long time coming for us and we have had some hurdles along the way.  These have made some of this journey difficult but at the same time it has made it easier and made us ready for anything.  Many have continued to tell us how much our life is going to change being parents.  Well, I hate to say it, but our lives have already changed a lot from being parents and we are welcoming this change.  All the crying in the middle of the night, all the poop diapers where you think you're going to throw up, all the days of sore nipples where your breasts feel like they will fall off from feeding, all the sleepless nights, and we're going to enjoy them all!  It's odd for some people to understand this about us I think.  We are actually looking forward to these things and looking forward to the misery.  Because for us...this means we have our baby and we are doing our best job at taking care of him.  And we are well aware it will be a learning experience for all three of us :) 

As I write this I'm thinking about all the things I have to do in the next 4 days because we have to be "ready" when I go in for my amniocentesis (in case my body decides it's ready to have a baby), and there's really not a whole lot more to do.  We are physically prepared...now we'll see if we're ready!  Here goes parenting...

We're in the 30's!

I am officially 30 weeks pregnant! One thing which was such a big deal for Justin and I. We have never been in this zone before, and it is exciting. Only 7 more weeks left to wait until Oliver is here.
We were talking about how it is really weird to think of because there are times where it feels like Oliver is our first, but he is clearly not. It will be a whole new concept to bring a baby home, and we are so excited and somewhat 'prepared' :)
Oliver is really starting to be more active as I get further along. Justin has been able to see him moving around in my belly just by looking at my stomach. This is kind of like Alien and being invaded...there are times where it does seem like he is going to try to pop out of my stomach.  Anywho...we don't have too much further to wait...and yet it seems like forever. A little sneak peak to our little one...and from the outside as well..



 

Thoughts on happiness

"Happiness is not a destination, but a mood"

I heard this quote on a show I was watching the other night and it really struck me. The person who said it gave an explanation afterward and to me it made complete sense. People always treat happiness as though it were a destination. As if when something particular happens in their life they will then be happy. I honestly used to think about happiness this way. When I graduate college, I'll be happy. When I meet the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with, that's happiness. When I'm able to be a mother, that's happiness. All of these things are happiness, but they are not the end. Right now, I used to think when I can work in the career I want to and have the family I have, I will be happy. Those things would make me happy, yes, but they should not be my destination. If you look at happiness as a mood...something which comes and goes...the outlook on things for me is completely different. The definition of happiness shows it is a feeling, not a goal:
"Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy." Some other states of mind or feelings in which we have in our daily life...hunger, fear, anger, sadness...all of these are temporary. I wanted to share this because it made me think of how I'm always pursuing happiness and not really enjoying it when it does come along. The only reason why I remember all of the other "feelings" is because they are mostly the opposite of happy. But we have to embrace all feelings...even the bad ones. So it's okay to feel sad and angry and scared...because most of those things will lead to at least a small moment you can experience happiness.
I've had a lot of things happen in my life where I wish they didn't...but now when I think about it...I'm not "happy" they happened, but I understand the feelings they gave me and how they have allowed me to recognize true happiness, and how it too is only temporary. Until the next does comes around.

Only 10 more weeks

So we have 10 weeks until Oliver is going to be here...January 4th! I am really excited, but kind of scared. I assume this is normal for all "first time" parents. It is just kind of bizarre for me to be thinking about really bringing home a baby. And am I going to know what to do or how to be a mom. I'm reading this book right now about breastfeeding because I plan on nursing, and I'm nervous about it as well. I was going to breastfeed with the triplets and thought that was no big deal...what the heck was wrong with me? Now that I'm thinking about all that goes into it...it will be a task just with one baby. Oliver is really starting to move around more and kick a lot more often. I can actually feel him rolling or something in there, and it is really hard to explain. When he kicks or has little moves it feels like a muscle twitch, but when he rolls it literally feels like I'm being taken over by some kind of alien...haha! I really am starting to get more excited the more I think about meeting him. I know his brothers and sister are watching out for him to make sure he gets here safe..and that is comforting to me.
So...not too far to go. I'll be 28 weeks tomorrow and he will be born at 37ish weeks. Well I guess that means we have more like 9 weeks...okay then. Well I hope my axiety lessens a little before he is here and a lot when he arrives! Oh boy!

Kicks, kicks, and more kicks

So today wasn't the first time I have felt Oliver kick, but he is really starting to kick me way more often. Mostly when I'm hungry and right after I've eaten he starts to kick...but he is starting to get bigger so this might be why. I'm also starting to reach the point in the pregnancy where I feel like I can't stop eating...and then after I do feel full my stomach feels really tight. It's so funny to compare this pregnancy to when I was pregnant with the triplets. I did not really have any time to wait until I reached this point because it happened so fast. I was about the size I am now at 11 or 12 weeks with the triplets. This is what has seemed like forever waiting for Oliver to get big enough to feel him moving! It has helped with my comfort level a little more though with knowing he is okay in there. I'm two weeks away from the 6 month mark, and will have 3 more left...and this just blows me away! This pregnancy seems to be flying by, which is different from the last time. But he can definitely take his time that is for sure.
Oh the joys of being pregnant though...the growing stomach, the sore breasts, the heartburn...and all worth it when you can bring home a healthy baby. And even so...still worth it when you get to meet your child or children. In January...I will know both!

I'm going to try...

So I have made the decision I am going to try to keep up with blogging and I've even started a new page about the books I read. So much has happened from the last time I posted. And I sometimes get into these moods where I remember I have a blog and get really into it, and then I begin to neglect it after awhile. This time I will try to make different and stay on top of things. Let's see...the last time I posted on the blog was back in April 2010...and it's September!
The long and the short of it...we found out we were pregnant again on May 19th...a few weeks later we had our first ultrasound and saw it was just one this time...enter a few meltdowns here...the doctor has me coming in every 2 weeks to measure my cervix to ensure it doesn't fail on me again, and so far so good...I'm 21 weeks pregnant so more than half way down...we found out "officially" on the 9th of this month we are having a boy (this was after 2 guesses the previous weeks by the u/s techs and we were pretty confident)...our baby boy cooking will be named Oliver Crosby Minges (decided before we ever found out we were pregnant again)...Justin has had a few more tri's and a 160 mile bike ride since then and survived...I've started selling Pampered Chef and I'm getting the experience of being my own boss and having my own business...and we have 4 months left before Oliver will be here and we can't wait, but we will...very patiently. We want him to be on time and healthy!
And that's what you missed.

Letting go...and Triathlons!

So I know blogging will probably help with a lot of things I got going on in my head, but I have a hard time just letting go to the internet universe. I know it needs to get out there somewhere and maybe someone would be able to relate...I just don't know.
So I figure I'll start here...one version of therapy, laughing! Just because it is something I am currently doing...Tosh.O is hilarious!!! It is definitely one show Justin and I can watch together and laugh our butts off. For those who have never seen it, you should check it out. It comes on Wednesdays at 10ish on comedy central. Well we think it's funny. Others we can laugh at are: How I Met Your Mother, Accidentally On Purpose, Big Bang Theory, and Cougar Town (well that one is mainly for me)!
Sometimes it just takes too much energy to think about all the bad things that can or have happened, and it's nice to just let go!
Whew!


Also, Justin had his first triathlon for the season yesterday and finished it in 1:16...then, we came home and planted our vegetable garden. So we are halfway done with that and are waiting until we can find the other plants we want to put in there. (Pictures to come) Next weekend we are going to Vegas for Kevin's 21st birthday and it's going to be a blast! We can't wait!

Denial

One of the many stages of what they call the 5 stages of grief a person is supposed to go thru. Little do many people know it's not in any kind of order and one can stay in a stage for a short amount of time...or forever. Denial is a stage of grief which makes it so much easier to cope, but at the same time dodges every feeling you are ever supposed to have. One lesson which is hard to learn no matter how many times it slaps you in the face is you can deny or dodge for awhile but the pain always resurfaces...always. And sometimes it's in the least "convenient" way possible.
Right now I have been dodging every feeling I am supposed to have from losing my children. It just seems easier every day to act like it never happened or like I'm telling someone else's story. It is easier for me to pretend than to allow reality to present itself in my consciousness. As I'm visiting my friends I have not seen since I was a couple months pregnant I tell them about how I'm doing and how Justin is doing and it just feels like I'm telling a friend's story or a story I heard about someone else. I don't know if this is something I do on purpose or if it is something I just do without thinking. And then there are moments when I am alone driving in my car and it just hits me...I'm supposed to be in the percentage of my friends who are enjoying their children. Who get to run all over the place to chase after my toddlers. And then I remember..those toddlers I was so excited about raising and chasing all over the house are not here. And I get this empty feeling. Then I remember how to make it stop...deny it ever happened. People have said the reason why a person does this is because their body and mind can only handle so much so it ignores what is really going on in order to survive. I guess this explains it, why people deny their reality...it's the only way to survive the horrible things that happen to us.

Our nightmare...in a nutshell

This is going to be the short version because telling the whole thing is something I'm not quite ready for. As most people know we were expecting triplets, which we were very excited for. Well on 12/10 I was put on bed rest, which again was something we expected. On 12/20, something we didn't expect, was to deliver our babies at only 24 weeks. Our daughter, Maria, lived only an hour. And she was the most beautiful little girl. Our sons, Asher and Gideon, lived for 8 days in the NICU. And they too were the most beautiful little baby boys ever! This blog started out as one of the most happiest experiences Justin and I could ever have, and has switched to more than a tragedy. So now this is going to be a place where we get to vent and hopefully share another happy moment when we get pregnant again. But until then...I hope this blog is able to find comfort for some people and is able to serve it's purpose for us and so many other people in this world who have to share in our nightmare. The only difference...we're awake.