It Gets Me Every Time (beware of hidden emotions in this one)

Last night was Plyometrics and I still hate it!  I'm not sure what exactly it is about it, but I cannot stand that DVD workout!  Probably because it is really tough.  I would much rather do Kenpo on both nights than do Plyo, ugh.

Well, I wanted to write a little different thing today because this week's P90X is pretty much like last week's and I have some things on my mind. 

I had a "blast from the past" today.  I was trying to look at pictures for organizing and came across the albums I made for the triplets.  A new emotion came over me today when I began to think back to that December, which was over a year ago, but feels like just yesterday.  I realized then I had lost children, but I think now after spending these almost 12 weeks with Oliver the emotion was just much more intense.  We've had people talk to us about how we "dealt" with the loss of our children, and have even been asked for advice in situations where people are faced with the same thing.  This made me think today, is there really any advice you can give?  I think it's different for everyone and it becomes different things as you continue to live your life afterward.  Many have wondered if I am "okay" and dealing with things well over the last year.  I would have to say when first asked this I was upset because it made me appear broken.  If any of you know me well, I am not the type of person who can be "broken".  And if I am, I'm in a hurry to fix it.  I know it does not seem like there is a point to this post, but I'm getting there.

I'm writing this because today I realized, I am "okay".  Even if I have days like today where I am holding my son and crying because I miss my other children and because I'm glad he's with me.  I'm okay when I am asked if Oliver is my first child.  I'm okay when I tell people no.  I'm okay when people want to know about the triplets because it's the only time I get to talk about them.  I'm okay with looking at pictures of them and crying because I miss them.  I'm okay with being angry sometimes when I think about how they will not get to do many things Justin and I wished for them.  I'm okay with other people coping with missing them in a different way.  I'm okay with people still talking about them because, they were here.  I'm okay with telling their story.  And, I'm okay to tell people I am the mother of four children who I love unconditionally, and always will. 
How do I do it you might think?

I have no other option.  I am a better person for the things I've gone through, and in turn I feel I have a better life.  Different things are important.  The little moments matter more.  I feel lately as if I have been caught up in what needs to be done and just the overall mess of life.  At first I did not welcome the memory of the death of my kids today, but every time...every time...they make me remember what I'm living for.