Denial

One of the many stages of what they call the 5 stages of grief a person is supposed to go thru. Little do many people know it's not in any kind of order and one can stay in a stage for a short amount of time...or forever. Denial is a stage of grief which makes it so much easier to cope, but at the same time dodges every feeling you are ever supposed to have. One lesson which is hard to learn no matter how many times it slaps you in the face is you can deny or dodge for awhile but the pain always resurfaces...always. And sometimes it's in the least "convenient" way possible.
Right now I have been dodging every feeling I am supposed to have from losing my children. It just seems easier every day to act like it never happened or like I'm telling someone else's story. It is easier for me to pretend than to allow reality to present itself in my consciousness. As I'm visiting my friends I have not seen since I was a couple months pregnant I tell them about how I'm doing and how Justin is doing and it just feels like I'm telling a friend's story or a story I heard about someone else. I don't know if this is something I do on purpose or if it is something I just do without thinking. And then there are moments when I am alone driving in my car and it just hits me...I'm supposed to be in the percentage of my friends who are enjoying their children. Who get to run all over the place to chase after my toddlers. And then I remember..those toddlers I was so excited about raising and chasing all over the house are not here. And I get this empty feeling. Then I remember how to make it stop...deny it ever happened. People have said the reason why a person does this is because their body and mind can only handle so much so it ignores what is really going on in order to survive. I guess this explains it, why people deny their reality...it's the only way to survive the horrible things that happen to us.

Our nightmare...in a nutshell

This is going to be the short version because telling the whole thing is something I'm not quite ready for. As most people know we were expecting triplets, which we were very excited for. Well on 12/10 I was put on bed rest, which again was something we expected. On 12/20, something we didn't expect, was to deliver our babies at only 24 weeks. Our daughter, Maria, lived only an hour. And she was the most beautiful little girl. Our sons, Asher and Gideon, lived for 8 days in the NICU. And they too were the most beautiful little baby boys ever! This blog started out as one of the most happiest experiences Justin and I could ever have, and has switched to more than a tragedy. So now this is going to be a place where we get to vent and hopefully share another happy moment when we get pregnant again. But until then...I hope this blog is able to find comfort for some people and is able to serve it's purpose for us and so many other people in this world who have to share in our nightmare. The only difference...we're awake.

22 week belly

So this is a picture my co-worker took of me today at work. The other day when I was on here I realized I had not posted a belly pic in awhile. So here you go...I am measuring at 34 cm from the top of my belly to my pelvis. The doc says this means I am measuring at what a single pregnancy would at 34 weeks...isn't that just grand? And in case you missed the title of this blog..22 WEEKS!